Breakdown & Breakthrough
Wow 2015, what a year. For myself and so many I know, it has been a year of deep shadow work, old karmic patterns surfacing, and being with great transition. As this year comes to an close, we are invited to reflect on the last year and the lessons learned…here’s mine:
This Fall, I experienced an utter breakdown in my belief system. Illuminated, was an old belief pattern that was subconsciously shaping every relationship, every interaction, every choice I made. It was so close to me that I couldn’t even see it. It was the lens through which I saw the world and I was unknowingly holding onto so tightly. This way of being that once felt comfortable and safe, now felt discordant, untrue, unlivable and ready to be looked at fully. The quiet whispers inside that I brushed away all too easily in the past become louder and persistent.
For months, I felt like I was in the thick of the forest, unable to see through the woods. I sat in incredible discomfort. Whereas in the past I would have gone back to old patterns just to get out of discomfort, I was determined, devoted, to sitting through the fire in this one. I would not go back to sleep.
In order to give light, one must burn first. ~Rumi
So I leaned into my discomfort. I breathed deeply. I prayed for guidance. I called on strength. I waited for clarity. I remembered that the hottest part of the flame is also the most clear. A month ago, the pressure and heat led to a breakdown. I chose to make a decision that I had resisted and feared for years.
When I finally accepted this possibility, that a core part of my life was about to end, I had a breakthrough.
It was in those moments that I saw clearly the seed of my resistance, the core limiting belief that was shaping my every action. I saw my role in creating a dynamic that I had been blaming on others. I saw how I was making myself a victim, when really I was creating and perpetuating the very thing I said I didn’t want.
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron
I commit to learning this lesson, fully, this time around, so that I don’t carry its residue into the future. What greater freedom I have gained, to see what had been subconsciously directing my life. With fresh eyes, I remember I have the power to shape my own life. What a dear mentor reminded me is that the fire can be a chapter in my life, it doesn’t need to be the whole story.